To give or not to give

Few years ago I was commuting between two jobs by tram. I had two jobs because the full time one meant in fact just six hours of work and I had enough time to work part-time for a second company. It was a very good period of my life: both jobs offered me the opportunity to do two very different things I like, plus one was more physical while the other was more intellectual. I felt like being paid for exercising two hobbies and learning at the same time. Of course, working more than 12 hours a day is a bit tiring. So while I was commuting, about 40 minutes, I used to empty my mind.

One day a woman in her forties, was begging in the tram, saying she has children to support and so on. I was a bit irritated because she interrupted my inner silence. But when she stopped in front of me and insistently addressed me, instantly came to my mind what I was doing there: commuting between two jobs. So I told her: you are still young, get a job and stop begging! I don’t have two jobs just to give you money! Get clean some stairs in a building and you’ll have your own money!

Yesterday I was eating an ice-cream with a friend chit-chatting. While in a middle of a sentence, a guy in his forties came about 3-4 feet close asking for some money to buy a cookie for a child. But before he came so close and open his mouth to talk I felt the bad smell of cheep tobacco. As I can’t stand this smell, I felt repulsion even before seeing his face. I let him talk, to say his poetry, as we say in Romanian, and told him: you have money to buy cigarettes so buy the cookies with your own money! My friend was surprised I noticed he smoked but she knows I’m like a police dog.

Am I mean? Should I show mercy and give them something? Saying those words are just excuses for not giving? Are they in fact masking my egoism? And how do I come up with such replies?

Yes, I’m mean and I feel no mercy. But not because they are daring to ask but because in the very first moment I’m tempted to give something. This is the Christian way. And yes, replies are excuses that motivates my decision but not necessarily for their ears but for me. They are not hiding my egoism but precisely shows it. When the right side of the brain feels compassion, the left side takes over and analyzes it logically. It’s not easy if you are not trained.

My first lesson was given by my father when I was about ten. It happened also in a tram: one guy was claiming he was blind and has no job to support himself because of his condition. My father, from the first moment he saw him said “he is a phony” but nothing else. Me and my brother looked at his eyes, the way he was walking and couldn’t get it how my dad came to the conclusion that the guy is pretending. Finally the guy arrived in front of us and my dad told him: “if you can read the watch on your wrist it means that you are not blind at all, get lost!”. In those times there wasn’t any watch for blind people and even having a simple watch meant that you are not poor at all!

Devil is in details >:)
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