The power of No

I bet at least once in your life you couldn’t say No. For example when a lady asked you “doesn’t this dress make me look slimmer?” You couldn’t say even “it seems the same to me” not to mention “No”! And I bet at least once in your life you were afraid of hearing No. Like not saying someone you have some special feelings just because you were afraid of hearing “No, I don’t share your feelings”. Some people are so afraid of No that they become marionettes, they loose they self esteem and even destroy their lifes up to the point of suicide.

In these examples No acts like an opened door, like an opportunity, like the ships of Xiang Yu who sink them just to point out to his army that retreat is not an option. Avoiding No is keeping a door opened or avoid shutting it. You might think it’s ok to keep a door opened, it’s diplomatic. But in terms of cost-benefit I thing it’s obvious a loss – you become more and more frustrated and your lady happier. In the end you’ll fight out of the thin air like cat and dog, both waving their tails but cat because is angry and dog because is happy.

Why is No so powerful in this kind of situations and when we really need it and using it is useless? Like saying out loud “No, I won’t smoke starting this moment” and still cannot convince yourself to quit smoking. A good friend of mine told me that brain cannot process negative sentences. Every one is transformed into an affirmative one “yes, I will smoke starting this moment”. So if you want to make some changes in your life use just affirmative sentences like “I quitted/ gave up smoking.”

Another good friend of mine said “negation doesn’t show as much the non-existence as the necessity”. Like “there is no bread” stating in fact the existence of a necessity: the bread. Extending this to “I don’t smoke” we could say the brain gets it like a necessity to smoke and this could explain why you cannot make happen desires put in negative sentences.

Knowing when to use a No and being prepared to accept a No as an answer can give you unexpected power. Let’s say a reporter wants to publish an interview with you and just before printing sais “I need this and that information, I cannot publish it without it” and you consider that information too much (either is too personal or involves other people). The reporter counts on your desire to go public and expects you to provide the info. But you say “No, I don’t want to disclose that info, sorry you don’t have my permission to publish anything”. No explanation needed, moreover, an explanation will keep a door opened – will sweeten the No. Well, the reporter will print the way you wanted because a hot article with less personal details is better than no article at all!

In any negotiation, be it for business or private life, No shows the limits you are willing to accept. Not using it in the right moment can make you loose or gain less than you wanted to. Spotting the right moment can be difficult and it takes practice, both to tell it and hear it. Using it in the right moment and with the right tone, very categorical, can surprise your partner and even you.

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