When a No means Yes

I was reading in Tor Nørretranders’ book, The User Illusion, about the information (the embodiment of an idea, its summary or the least amount of bits needed to transmit a message that trigger a certain reality into the receptor) and about the exformation (the bits that are removed but that can be decoded by a receptor with a common codec with the transmitter). Nothing new so far – we learnt in school that in order to communicate (encode-> send -> receive-> decode) we have to use the same language (codec).

I realized how convenient is sometime to communicate with someone using a different encoding system. Basically you lie telling the truth. I did and even often. At about 18 I discovered that the best lie is the truth. Not only the best but the most effortless one. You don’t have to squeeze your brain to invent an excuse, you are so relaxed because you know you are telling the truth. Your truth! This is why lie-detectors are failing. But how can one tell lies and still saying the truth? Those machines is said that are mislead by the people that are really believing the lies they say. Or in other words, those guys are some kind of delusional persons. Well they not necessarily are.

Let’s see. He and she in a mall. She tries a green skirt making her white skin looking dead. She asks him with a big happy smile on her face: isn’t it nice? He correctly interprets the non-verbal enthusiasm and sais: it’s a nice skirt. She buys it and looks stupid, he avoids a long quarrel and probably anticipates a good opportunity for having sex. I’m not debating the short and long term implications here. From communication point of view she wanted to be approved, her full question was in fact I look nice in it, isn’t it? He deliberately decoded as is the message and answered honestly but just about the skirt. He lied by omission: it’s a nice skirt but on you is crap!

Let’s see another example. You go to several job interviews. There is one firm that is very likely to hire you but you hope to get an offer from another company. You don’t want to just say no so you wait for them to give you an answer. So they do: we are sorry to inform you that you are not perfectly suited for our open position. And because you are a polite person you reply: Thank you for your feedback. Their answer means a lot of things. For them! For you it’s just a decision you were waiting for someone else to take in your place. You keep a door open and at the same time you are relieved that you don’t have to say No. So your answer would really be: Thank you for taking this off my shoulders!

And the truth will set you free… Well, I very much agree with this. Decode properly the message - be it verbal, be it non-verbal – then figure out what effect you want to produce, use the same “language” to encode your feedback and get rid of all unnecessary information (the exformation) and that’s it. Sometimes we ask questions being sure 99% that the answer would be No. How we know that it’s not always clear but when you analyze what is beyond words it makes sense all of a sudden. You still ask it. The received answer is a No but for you is a Yes – a confirmation of your subconscious deductions.
This is the way you can tell fortune or predict future to someone. Based on their reactions you can keep a path or change it until you get the right response.


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